the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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