He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
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