im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
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