we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
Randomize
