i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
Randomize
