Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
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