so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
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