I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
Randomize