Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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