Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
