I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Come see our sink grown plant.
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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