I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Randomize
