Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
I need to calm my uterus...
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Randomize