An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
I asked you if you needed a ride and you kept saying "no, my name is katelyn"
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Randomize
