The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Randomize
