it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
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