I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
