i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
