the whole time he was cumming, he did the joey lawrence WHOA. over and over. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
Randomize
