I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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