I like it. Barfy the gin-flavoured Assman
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
