You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
Randomize
