Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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