And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
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