the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
Randomize
