I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
she woke up with a sticky ear
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
