I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
Randomize
