I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
foreskin is a definite game changer
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
Randomize
