Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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