She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
yo I sort of want to fuck rachel maddow. but I'm not a lesbian. actually I reaally want to so maybe I am a lesbian. at least on weekdays at 9.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
We decided to have a girls night of four lokos, three of us cried and the other puked
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Randomize
