My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
Randomize
