never play flip cup with pint glasses
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
We had to coat check the pizza.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
I need mimosas to revive my soul
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
Basic items
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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