Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
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