ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
so we'll all just be running around naked, basically. and high.
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
