This is not my ceiling
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
When did we convert life to cartoon?
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Randomize