im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
it glows. i had to have it.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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