Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
Randomize
