You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize
