I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
