I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
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