This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
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