Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
