God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
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