please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Randomize
