i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
Randomize
