I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
