just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
I'm getting married
To pizza
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
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