So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
i don't remember going ever taking off my pants but my pubes are shaved into a K and kelsey is passed out in the shower.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
Randomize
