Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Well my sources tell me she just happens to appear in an episode girls gone wild.
I know someone that will spend hours looking for her. He also has many of said movies. And I will do it for free!
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Randomize