there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
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