my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
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