the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
I feel like death gave me a hand job
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
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