um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
Randomize