I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
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