So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Randomize
