She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
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