Moan for me like Helen Keller
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
Randomize
